Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all my readers! Have a happy, merry, joyous Christmas! The lack of adjectives to describe Christmas here has thoroughly exposed my lack of lexical richness and vocabulary and hence, my English proficiency level. After all, I am truly Asian or more specifically, truly Chinese.

I hate to face it, but English has been tagged a status symbol in Singapore. I was in Penghu last year when a Taiwanese told me that the Singaporeans ignored her pleas for help when she asked for it in Mandarin during her tour here. I had never realized that some of us can be so cold and aloof.

I have never really celebrated Christmas. Not that Christmas has been distasteful for me, but I can't sing the Christmas carols, don't really like turkey and ham, and dislike the foam and strands from the spray cans aimed at me. Perhaps I am too conservative for bashes and parties of any nature, whether or not they are of the Christmas content. I do like coffee though, and it is sustaining my consciousness now.

I find myself increasingly unsuitable for life in Singapore. Singapore has been too "Westernized" to my liking. Not only in the hardware but also in the software, that is, the behaviour and mentality of the people at large. Skyscrapers are one thing, the way people think is another. Capitalism and consumerism have already been embedded in the psyche of the people, and with globalization comes growing intensity of these trends.

I am a peace-loving person at ease with myself. At least I think of myself as such. I don't belong to the rat race culture in Singapore. I am not competitive either, and I understand that without the slightest competition I can never reach the cutting edge for my country. Given my inherent nature, I am definitely not an asset or talent to Singapore. At the very least, I just hope that I won't turn into a liability. If I ever become so, I will want to live abroad.

My favourite places: Hong Kong and Taiwan? I had earnestly considered the possibility of moving to either place in the future. However, from my conversations with friends from these places, there are also disincentives that I, a foreigner, may have overlooked. High stress levels, sky-rocketed property prices, poor job conditions are some of the "horror" stories that I have heard. Where else can I go to, or turn to, if I can't thrive in these circumstances?

I am at best a 2nd-Upper Honours degree holder. I will be pursuing my Masters degree in Chinese Studies upon graduation. Sometimes I wonder why I do so much research and academic work that entails little practical purpose. Then it dawned onto me that I just dislike working and studying is actually the lesser of the two evils to me. If I'm better-looking, I could have joined a boy band. If I can speak as well as my idol Jacky Wu, I could have become a TV compere. Alas, I can do neither! Although I am not a smart arse, I have to choose the academia, because it happens to be the field in which I can perform satisfactorily.

Am I willowing in self-pity? Not exactly. I'm just re-evaluating my possible options in life. A lack of confidence? Nope, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm a heartlander at heart. I can never aspire to become the cosmopolitan that marks the lives of my PSC scholar friends, as well as the elite professionals of accountants, doctors and lawyers. The fact that I can face up to the harsh realities of life means that I am still a strong individual, mentally that is.

My Christmas resolution? To believe with all my heart that everything in life is transient.