Enslaved

I will become a unit of production. I must turn myself into a valuable asset to society by working hard. There are obvious, tangible benefits to be derived from excellent work, but as a nobody I have to work extra hard to earn them. Although obvious, these benefits are few and only available to a selected few.

What happens if I work too hard? Will any organization take care of me? Who will bother?

I will be covered by a shield. Paid for by my own monthly contributions. Will it be enough? I think it can't protect me against the formidable viruses, with blood suckers as their accomplice. I will be left to the wastes if I fail to work further, so I must dodge ahead regardless of rewards nor sacrifices.

All is not lost yet. We have the slave union to fight for our rights, even though the union is always preoccupied with its other operations, such as slave insurance, gigantic supermarts and river taxis. Perhaps it can still be counted upon when real trouble brews.

My livelihood is a whip. Tormented souls are my neighbours.

A Tale of Tails

If growth is Gospel truth,
Then I prefer a land before time,
Millions of years ago,
When nothing was known as gold.

All in the name of progress,
Never to look back!
Should I stumble and fall,
There will be no memories to fall back upon.

Again in the name of progress,
Leave nobody behind!
But I am a nobody,
And I am left behind.

I recall a time when we all had tails,
Living a life simple as it was.
No cars and trains to save time,
And no cheques to quantify time.
Time is now saved,
With which to slog more.

If time is money,
I would hate to be a prince.

Release of the Examination Results

I did not check my results when they were first out in the afternoon. I was out the whole day with Daniel and Jiayi, trying to clear my mind of the fear that had culminated as the day approached the release time at 2pm. Many of my friends such as Hauser and Tips had enquired about my grades, and I could not tell them then.

In any case, I had an enjoyable day with both Daniel and Jiayi. Having broken into cold sweat and with trembling hands, literally, I logged onto the relevant website on my laptop, expecting the worst gift bestowed upon me by Heaven.

I have received one of my best results ever. With 2 A+s. Impossible! I almost cried just now! Not that they are super-duper terrific, but I had expected much worse from myself.

For my film modules, I was the crap who had crapped much in my assignments and papers. Throughout the semester, I did not even know the proper terminologies to be used in film analysis, and was a dummy who knew nuts about cinematic techniques. Jacky is the whiz kid in this field. For the examinations, I wrote crap. I didn't even know what to write about, but simply carried on anyway. Guess what: for one I achieved an A+ and for another, an A-. I'm more than satisfied. What a close shave!

My worst grade actually came from one of my ISMs, a B+. Nonetheless, given the overall circumstances, I truly have no regrets. Really.

The past semester had been my busiest and worst one ever. I am currently a Research Assistant, and had chosen to challenge myself by studying 6 modules, including 2 ISMs and 1 CBM. Thank goodness that everything has turned out fine.

I really have no complaints. Those who know how bad I had survived the semester would also know that I am not flaunting my results here. I am just plain lucky. Phew!

Doomsday Looming

Oh no. The exam results will be out in a few hours' time. On Boxing Day. How apt it is to unwrap what I think will be my worst present for years to come.

My pet chant: Grades are transient. All things are.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all my readers! Have a happy, merry, joyous Christmas! The lack of adjectives to describe Christmas here has thoroughly exposed my lack of lexical richness and vocabulary and hence, my English proficiency level. After all, I am truly Asian or more specifically, truly Chinese.

I hate to face it, but English has been tagged a status symbol in Singapore. I was in Penghu last year when a Taiwanese told me that the Singaporeans ignored her pleas for help when she asked for it in Mandarin during her tour here. I had never realized that some of us can be so cold and aloof.

I have never really celebrated Christmas. Not that Christmas has been distasteful for me, but I can't sing the Christmas carols, don't really like turkey and ham, and dislike the foam and strands from the spray cans aimed at me. Perhaps I am too conservative for bashes and parties of any nature, whether or not they are of the Christmas content. I do like coffee though, and it is sustaining my consciousness now.

I find myself increasingly unsuitable for life in Singapore. Singapore has been too "Westernized" to my liking. Not only in the hardware but also in the software, that is, the behaviour and mentality of the people at large. Skyscrapers are one thing, the way people think is another. Capitalism and consumerism have already been embedded in the psyche of the people, and with globalization comes growing intensity of these trends.

I am a peace-loving person at ease with myself. At least I think of myself as such. I don't belong to the rat race culture in Singapore. I am not competitive either, and I understand that without the slightest competition I can never reach the cutting edge for my country. Given my inherent nature, I am definitely not an asset or talent to Singapore. At the very least, I just hope that I won't turn into a liability. If I ever become so, I will want to live abroad.

My favourite places: Hong Kong and Taiwan? I had earnestly considered the possibility of moving to either place in the future. However, from my conversations with friends from these places, there are also disincentives that I, a foreigner, may have overlooked. High stress levels, sky-rocketed property prices, poor job conditions are some of the "horror" stories that I have heard. Where else can I go to, or turn to, if I can't thrive in these circumstances?

I am at best a 2nd-Upper Honours degree holder. I will be pursuing my Masters degree in Chinese Studies upon graduation. Sometimes I wonder why I do so much research and academic work that entails little practical purpose. Then it dawned onto me that I just dislike working and studying is actually the lesser of the two evils to me. If I'm better-looking, I could have joined a boy band. If I can speak as well as my idol Jacky Wu, I could have become a TV compere. Alas, I can do neither! Although I am not a smart arse, I have to choose the academia, because it happens to be the field in which I can perform satisfactorily.

Am I willowing in self-pity? Not exactly. I'm just re-evaluating my possible options in life. A lack of confidence? Nope, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm a heartlander at heart. I can never aspire to become the cosmopolitan that marks the lives of my PSC scholar friends, as well as the elite professionals of accountants, doctors and lawyers. The fact that I can face up to the harsh realities of life means that I am still a strong individual, mentally that is.

My Christmas resolution? To believe with all my heart that everything in life is transient.

June 2007: Beijing (a final note)

I have tried my best to condense my 2-week stay in Beijing into 3 entries. It has proven rather impossible to cover the density of my trip in totality, so these entries are neither comprehensive nor exhaustive. I felt kinda "numb" then, having been to China on so many occasions, and had taken very few pictures around.

Other than the numerous temples and rural villages, we had also visited the Summer Palace (Yiheyuan). I just couldn't find the famous Marble Ship.

We also went to the Tiananmen Square. "Forward, Comrades!" seemed to be the cry for the Monument to the People's Heroes.

Of course, how could I have missed the sentry guards standing on alert near the Great Hall of the People? However, it was a pity that I failed to catch the changing of guards parade, as well as the hoisting of the China flag accompanied by the Chinese anthem in the wee hours of the morning.

I had the delight of watching a Peking opera performance with my professor and a few students of the module. We drank tea and fanned ourselves in squire fashion.

When it was time for us to part, I had a photo taken with the kind professor and her teaching assistants outside the university hotel.

June 2007: Beijing (continued)

We visited the Temple of Heaven. For me, again. In fact, for the third time within a year.

And we went to the Forbidden City! The Palace is a place that I wouldn't mind going for a number of times. However, due to the Olympics preparations, the palace grounds had turned into a massive construction site. I was greeted by dust and smoke. Many chambers and pavilions became out of bounds due to the works.

Still, I managed to catch a glimpse of the Dragon Throne! Most Qing Emperors had sat on the Throne. I wish to sit on it too.

June 2007: Beijing (to be continued)

I was the Programme Assistant for a USP Summer Programme entitled Chinese Thought and Culture, and since the Programme was conducted in Peking University, I enjoyed the luxury of visiting China once more for the nth time in my life.

The following picture features a pagoda standing by the side of a lake. It is known as 一“塔”“湖”涂. The site is Peking University, and the whole campus is characterized by its picturesque landscape. It is a favourite spot for recreation and sightseeing.

Of course, we climbed the Great Wall. It was my nth time as a 好汉. The scorching sun and heat had almost killed us all. Singapore could have lost a number of talents.

"One World, One Dream". Tell the barbarians that when they scale the walls again.

The 13 Ming Tombs is represented by an excavated one that belonged to Ming Shenzong, more commonly known as the Wanli Emperor. The underground mausoleum is splendid with grandeur. The following picture that I have was taken on the ground, and it features the Chinese impression of a mythical creature known as the "Qilin" (麒麟).

Some notes from life

1. Women can only choose between beauty and knowledge. Having both or having none, to her is a tragedy.

2. What are friends? Friends are idiots who stand by you even after you have made terrible mistakes.

3. Life is fuelled by fear. Stress results from fear. Performance stems from fear. Ultimately, everything becomes fearful.

4. Time is an imagined currency that quantifies your existence. Why bother counting down?

Phenomena

I notice that my towel has been crying excessively! Dripping tears non-stop! What can I do to console it?

Both my toothpaste and soap are getting slimmer by the day! They were so fat just a month ago! How can I boost their appetite?

Perhaps I should not do anything.
Nostalgia beckons because there is nothing to look forward to.

I always leave home early in the day, coming back at night,
And the sleeping cats will always be at the very position where I see them in the morning.
Isn't it nice to be cats?
Taking life at their own pace and time.
Waking up to food and grooming themselves with whatever free time they have.
I asked one of the cats: "How cute! How did you do it?"
The cat turned its head away.

Perhaps I should not have asked.
Silence is sanity's last resort.

Darkness within Darkness

Life is fragile, life is hard.
Life is transient.
Life is bitter, life is sweet.
Life is transient.
Where lies the glimmer of light?
Darkness within darkness.
At times like this,
Dementia is inviting.

Jacky Wu's albums

Wow! All Jacky Wu's albums were sold out! It's hard to find any of them in the market these days. Unlike the Jay Chou and the Jolin Tsai CDs. They are piled up at almost every retail store and I still see the piles around after weeks. Isn't it great to see how Jacky Wu's albums had been selling like hotcakes? It's such a pity that he is too busy to cut another in recent years. It'll be great to hear his voice in melody rather than the usual, chirpy one in his variety shows.

非战之过，天亡我也！

人生实为一出戏。
尽人事，听天命，
古今多少沧海事。
笑傲拂袖一身去，
落得沧海难为田。
笑看风云心未泯，
唯有以泪洗千秋。
一失铸成千古恨，
此恨绵绵无绝期！

Accomplishment beyond means

Wow! I had not spoken to anyone outside home for the past week! Except for chanced meet-ups at corridors and on buses, I did not really talk to anyone other than Jacky, John and Weizan! Nothing to be proud of here, unless I am an aspiring hermit!

I don't mind becoming one though. People always say that it takes courage to pursue your dream against all odds. I would say, however, that it takes greater courage to forgo all the fortune and happiness that you may accumulate and live in the mountains with the bare essentials to survive on. Now that is courage.

I have decided to deprive myself of most, if not all, sensual pleasures that I may possess. With no ambition comes no disappointment, and with no dream comes no hope dashed.